Thursday, September 8, 2016

Dreams and Transitions

I've always had very vivid, detailed, surreal and absurdist dreams for as long as I can remember. But being pregnant, last time and this time again, kicks up the dream volume another 50%. A while back a friend was asking if you are a person who dreams in black and white (like most people), or if you are one of the rare few that dreams in color. I feel like since my dreams are so vivid, with sights, sounds, smells, textures, emotions, and multi-dimensional insights, I MUST dream in color, right? But honestly I can't really say either way. I don't really remember. I DO know that on occasion I've had specific colors that tell part of my dream story- a strong glowing green, or deep rich dark red, but is everything else in grey? I have to pay more attention and report back. But I digress.

Being pregnant is having another living being growing, and well LIVING inside of you. Connected and sharing everything, body, spirit, mind, so naturally dreams. These pregnancy dreams I credit to my kids, sharing their own insights, with my own intuitions, and already teaching each other about our perceptions of life and the world we live in -are to be born into. Connecting on a metaphysical level that leads to weird, beautiful, bizarro worlds and ideas, I really should be dream journaling again.

The plus to having this extra creative energy wash through me with my new life force in my belly is that its sparked up my writing again on my memoir that had hit a brick wall. I wrote a ton of pages yesterday and found my muse again. I think a big part of that for me is to also just let go, and not try to over think or control it, but trust that the words will come because they always do. Gotta live the dream!

Transitions. Everything right now feels like its full of transitions. Jocelyn is now putting herself to sleep in her own room in her own bed, after a lullaby and hugs and kisses from mom and dad (rather than me in there with her until she falls asleep). Her teachers wrote us that she will soon be moving up into the next class at her school. Since she goes to Montessori, its not about her age but rather her developmental stage, and very soon she'll be in with the big kids. I have parent teacher meetings next week with her current classroom, and with the next classroom up that I'm really looking forward to. Transitions back home with my family going through their own major life changes, both my mom, and dad respectively. Seasons are changing, and more and more I'm thinking about my own transition, as in Transition - the stage of labor that has the strongest sensations imaginable - that is the hardest - physical, mental, spiritual, and multidimensional experience I could ever imagine to endure. And I did it. But guess what, I'm going to do it again.

This time around a lot of things are much easier, I know a lot more of what to expect with pregnancy, already have some of my own life-hacks to cope with discomforts, have much more time to rest this time around which was my only regret last time around, that I didn't take any time off before labor. But what's more challenging this time is that I'm also aware of what's to follow. That excitement of waiting to finally go into labor, to finally meet my child, the moments leading up to the magic moment of holding your baby on the outside... Transition... I know what that's like. I'm not going to use the word "pain" because it goes beyond that, and it also is completely different than skinning your knee or breaking a bone, its a lightning bolt of energy, a surge of sensation that is so powerful that transcends anything you could ever imagine. But I can imagine, I was there, and this time I am trying to not be fearful of feeling, living, experiencing that again. It will come, and it will wash over me again, and though like every birth you can't predict how it will go, or what exactly will happen, but if like most second time moms, it should at least be much quicker than my first time, not last as long.

Transitions aren't easy, whether its separating or divorcing your partner for 20+ years, learning to grow up from being a baby in mommy's arms to sleeping alone in your big girl bed, saying goodbye to your classroom that no longer suits your growing vocabulary and skill set, or starting a new chapter of your life (both literally - as a writer, and figuratively), that hardship is what makes what comes next worth it. Living through the shit shows gives us power to find out more about ourselves than we otherwise wouldn't be pushed to experience. And speaking of shit shows, that happens too with birth. You just have to let it all go. Accept it, and leave your inhibitions behind. All of the hardest transitions fuel us forward, and let us grow. Transitions give us new life if we let them and stop dragging our heels. Time to teach myself to dance toward my Transition, meditate on welcoming it, and let go of that fear. So much more fear this time, but I just have to let it all go.

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