Rocky Road

Pregnancy is HARD! I mean I don't want to sound not excited, or ungrateful- because I'm totally both! Very excited, and very grateful. But man this can be rough.

I thought it would be all eating vegan ice cream and pickles (two of my favorites), and getting huge boobs, and having a holiday where I can paint something obnoxious on my huge belly.

I will have fourth of July, so I might just have to paint on some stars and stripes, but I barely can stand pickles which is so weird for me, and ice cream really isn't interesting at all. I also have had to buy all new bras, which is not as fun as it sounds. I bought them at Costco, and am not ashamed.

Not only that- but I experienced my first tidal wave of hormonal freak out, mixed with a panic attack (?). It started by me crying uncontrollably at the fact that I cannot currently pick up a bag of 30lbs dog food on my own and didn't want to ask for help. That lead to my spiraling out of control in a tornado of sobs, and hyperventilated breathing. Totally unable to follow through on what I had to do that night, which was call our neighbor to help pay for the new fence he's installing on our property line.

My husband, who was working (from home)- poor guy didn't really know what to do, but was there for me the best he could be, and offered comfort to his crazy pregnant wife between phone conversations with his Microsoft client while he put his headset on mute. After like a half hour, I was finally able to calm myself down, breath more "normally," and had the instinct to call my mom and ask her if that's "normal"? To feel batshit crazy, and be THAT emotional over "nothing."

I then talked myself out of it (not outloud, haha I'm not that looney... not yet as least), because I didn't want to worry her, and I also realized, that I didn't need anyone to tell me that it's "normal" to freak out, or to cry (which I rarely do). I could hear my thoughts in my mom's comforting voice tell me, "No, that's not normal, but its okay. Its YOU. You are perfect, and we're all a little mad around here." Which made me feel better.

Sometimes a good cry is what is needed to wash out the jitters and stresses that I don't realize are actually building up and shouldn't be kept pent up. I also realized today, after getting some sleep and starting fresh, that yes, I miss my family back home, I wish I could be going through this with them near us, for them to be a part of our daily lives. I realized that I have a lot of daily stresses with work, with working on the house, Holden's health problems, and just life, but I'm so grateful for all of it, because all of it is my own to experience. Its not always easy, its really fucking hard sometimes, but that's okay. Its not all bad. At least I didn't throw up today!